so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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