Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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