So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize