I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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