I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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