There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
