You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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