I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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