My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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