All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
