The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
