I think I died a long time ago.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
is it fun? or sober?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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