if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
