K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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