I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Everything about him screamed your future.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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