There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
