gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
