You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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