Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize