i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize