Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
