Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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