The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
