Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I will pee on everything he values.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
