So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize