I cannot find my penis.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
