she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
