does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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