I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
