Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
