It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
