he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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