By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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