I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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