whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Pants 0. Shit 1.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
