he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
