So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
