Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
