So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
