I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
