Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
