We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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