I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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