I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
