I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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