babies were throwing up all over the place
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize