i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize