I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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