She is in my trunk
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
