Can Purell be used as lube?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
