I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm too high and old for this...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
