Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
