tell your sister to shave her snatch
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
