I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize