In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
