she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can't put those talents on a resume
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
